by Mary Padilla
I wrote the book very quickly; and when it was written, I ceased to be obsessed. I expressed some very long felt and deeply felt emotion. And in expressing it I explained it and then laid it to rest.
– Virginia Woolf, on “To a Lighthouse”
I knew she was stage 4 from the beginning, I say
Don’t get too attached, you say
………
I hope the attacks are abating and you’ve been able to eat and keep your strength up, I say
Rough day, she says
If you tell the doctors you’re unable to eat and are getting weaker, maybe that would get their attention, I say
Things have been very rocky lately, she says
How’d it go with the chemo? I say
Afterwards I’m wiped out for a while, but call whenever you want – who wants to be left in peace? she says
Are things looking up today? I say
Had a good day yesterday…stronger – what good things strength and energy are! she says
………
How’s it going? I say
Just cancelled chemo this week – I can’t face it, she says
Is it any better today? I say
In the hospital yesterday and just tired and staying home now, she says
How are things? I say
Too sick to do anything for the last few days, she says
The last I heard you were sick and then you went incommunicado, I say
Today is the first day I could eat anything, and I have a humongous headache, she says
Better check with your doctor about that, I say
I’ll try to get an MRI, but now I’m fighting with Instacart because they abandoned my order on the sidewalk and I can’t make it downstairs anymore, she says
One thing after another, I say
……..
The cancer has spread to my brain – but thinking is what I do! she says
What can they do for this? I say
I’m seeing the radiation oncologists next week after a scan to check for spread to my spine, she says
How did it go at the hospital? I say
Utterly exhausted, she says
……..
I just spoke to her and found her subdubed and rather out of it – she may have thought I was you, I say
She wouldn’t talk to me, you say
She told me ‘I need food,’ I say
Her caretaker is coming this afternoon, you say
We had a brief conversation with big lapses before replies on her end, I say
She’s sleeping all day now, you say
I did say a couple of times that I would call back tomorrow when she might feel more up to talking, but each time she asked me not to go, I say
She seems no less tired after her hospital visit for the day of rest in the middle this time, you say
Finally she asked me to wait a minute and then disappeared, which was the same thing that had happened the last time we spoke, I say
The last time I went to visit we couldn’t wake her up to say good-by, you say
……..
She fell getting out of bed and broke her hip this morning and then refused surgery, but I have her medical proxy and told them to go ahead, you say
I talked to her briefly yesterday and she was totally there mentally, I say
Her cognition has clouded over now, you say
I’ll try calling again, I say
Hello…hi…hello…hi…, she says
Her doctor has put her into hospice, you say
I called again – she wouldn’t take the phone, I say
She is refusing to eat or drink, you say
……..
She is nearing the end, you say
……..
She died this morning, you say
Mary Padilla: I write to see what will come out.