Great Explorations

by Tom Ashley  

My great-grandfather, Sir James Benston, was born in Mansfield, Ohio, on May 12, 1865, the penultimate day of the American Civil War. He was an engineering graduate of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and was the inventor of many navigational aircraft and automotive instruments. His electrical navigation devices would save many sailors’ lives. His invention of shatterproof glass was universally accepted by airplane and automotive manufacturers. He owned substantial stakes in Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors. By the age of forty he was a wealthy man.

Those were days of great adventure and exploration in both the United States and Europe.  His prowess made him so well known that he came to the attention of Sir Ernest Shackleton, resulting in an invitation to join the team of the legendary Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition (1914-1917). He was the only American in the fifty-four-man crew. He was also the eldest by four years.

The story of his ship, The Endurance, has been a well-told tale for over a century, but my grandfather gave me further insight into his father’s psyche and how, for over eight hundred days, he feared each would be his last. However, my great grandfather survived and was knighted by George V and returned to Detroit, his wife, two sons and his business. He was shattered by his experiences and began to sell off all of his companies. He realized he had a larger calling. He convinced Henry Ford and the powers behind General Motors, Albert Sloan and Charles Kettering, to donate millions toward the cure of the devastating diseases of cancer and cardiac arrest. These automotive giants’ names now appear on two of the world’s greatest innovative research organizations. My grandfather and his brother lived comfortably but not extravagantly. They served on the boards of both charities until their deaths. My great- grandfather donated his entire estate to the study of disease. He died peacefully at age ninety-four on my seventh birthday, April 1, 1957.

As a boy I dreamed about walking in my great-grandfather’s footsteps. I’d see polar bears, I’d live in an igloo with Eskimos, I’d spear fish for dinner. Cold weather wouldn’t faze me. After all, I’d survived the forceful, dank Detroit winters in my seven or eight years. Shackleton’s Antarctic venture was voraciously covered in the then age of great exploration – essentially a failure on one hand – that had left three dozen men stranded on the ice for over two years. But for a young boy to be directly related to one of these men was awesomely important, and I too would head off into this world of adventure.

I dreamed of returning home and telling my friends stories of sailing the great oceans, meeting indigenous peoples, mushing my team of huskies through ice floes and of all my difficult but satisfying exploits. I’d be given a key to the city and be on the front pages of the Detroit Free Press, the Detroit Times, and the Detroit News. I would even be called to Washington to meet Ike at The White House. Maybe later I’d take my team to the North Pole and be the first person to do both expeditions and return to even further acclaim.

But I’ve abandoned those visions and now dream of having a vodka martini on the patio at the Ritz Carlton in Malibu, overlooking scantily clad sun bathers gracefully draping themselves by the Pacific Ocean.

I came to love writing fifteen years ago when I joined the writing workshop at the IRP. It became a learning and bonding experience.  Thoughtful critiquing led me to expand on memoir and fantasy, and the talents of others has proved a great source of inspiration.

 

A Slight Misunderstanding

by Tom Ashley

(Based on an Overheard Conversation While Waiting for my Appointment at Sy Sperling’s Hair Club for Men)

“In defense of myself, I did NOT say you look fat! All I said was you look like you put on a LITTLE weight. I mean big deal, who cares!”

xx“indecipherable response”

“If you would let me complete my thoughts –  you NEEDED to put on a few pounds.”

xx“indecipherable response”

“Don’t you remember when we went to The Met a few years ago? And we were looking at the Rubens? Well THOSE were larger women and I told you then how they looked sexy … and beautiful, too! Remember?”

xx“indecipherable response “

“Well, I DO! CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! Look, we’ve ALL gained a couple of pounds over the years. Well, even I HAVE, though not that many. I think there’s just a bit more of you to love.”

xx“indecipherable response”

“You don’t feel that way? A couple of extra pounds can help to smooth some wrinkles on a person’s face. It can make you seem even prettier. I hardly notice anymore.”

xx“louder indecipherable response”

“Are you getting angry with me? I meant this as a compliment. You BARELY had any wrinkles and as far as I’m concerned, you have NONE now!”

xx“even louder indecipherable response”

“HOLD ON! HOLD ON! As a matter of fact, just the other day I told someone your face, as far as I was concerned, showed NO SIGNS of aging. And you don’t even use Botox.”

xx“further indecipherable response “

“I think you’re taking this entirely the wrong way. Look, thirty per cent of the country is obese. And I certainly don’t consider YOU, of all people, OBESE!”

Pause.

“Hello, hello? Are you there? Hello?”

I came to love writing fifteen years ago when I joined the writing workshop at the IRP. It became a learning and bonding experience.  Thoughtful critiquing led me to expand on memoir and fantasy, and the talent of others has proved a great source of inspiration.

 

 

 

Southern Fried College Football

by Tom Ashley

Alabama’s highest paid employee headed to
billionaire status who happens to be making
considerably, by a factor of 24, more
damn dough, is the football coach not the governor,
expected to win a national championship ‘cuz
failure is not an option in Tuscaloosa where
gridiron greatness is demanded and to
hell with any talk of classroom participation
injurious to the mighty ‘Crimson Tide’ boys
kicking the stuffing and giving a good ‘ole
lickin’ to some other knuckleheaded young
men all soon to be dispatched to a completely
nothing job with a concussion or four plus
operations on both knees and a shoulder not
properly thinking about a future or
questioning what they accomplished while a
resident for four years of sweat blood and
simply a handful of credits and injuries
taking them from job to job no relief in sight
unless they hit the Alabama state lottery and
very few people have had such good fortune
winning these but go right ahead putting
xs down on those lotto cards all the while
you’re going through want ads from a to
z and coming up with nothing.

Taking many study groups over the years at the IRP has been a growing and stimulating process. In college, I dreaded my writing courses. I LOVE them now.

Learning My A, B, Cs

by Tom Ashley

As I was saying to the nasty
Bad girl in the third row on the left
Curling her long golden locks and
Disturbing all the excitable young men
Enough is enough don’t you think you tart
For christ’s sake I’m trying, god knows, to teach
Goddamn poetry to you hopeless and shallow
Hedonistic moronic ‘students’ of
Idiotic, impossibly dull imagination combing a
Jaded outlook debating which flavor
Krispy Kreme donut you’ll avail yourself then
Lovingly slam down your throat while swallowing
Mouthing to the server that absolutely RIEN
Nothing NIENTE is going to prevent yet another
Order of those crullers accompanied by a
Pumpkin latte with whipped cream and in
Quest of the perfect meal please add the
Rib sandwich and additional
Sweet thick maple sauce and those super
Toffee coated twice baked potatoes
Unless maybe you should get two in case you’re
Very hungry and not able to get close or
Within another Krispy Kreme like one near
Xerox’s headquarters on the corner of
Yerba Linda and Ashley, next to House of
Zen

Taking many study groups over the years at the IRP has been a growing and stimulating process. In college, I dreaded my writing courses. I LOVE them now.

Where Is It Now?

by Tom Ashley

A recent New York Times article more than caught my eye. A Chicago landmark restaurant, the Cape Cod Room, had closed its doors. Opened in 1933 in the equally famed Drake Hotel, the eatery had served up cocktails and dinner to generations of Chicago titans along with notables such as Queen Elizabeth II, Marilyn Monroe, Joe DiMaggio, Michael Jordan, the Beatles and seven U.S. Presidents. It was also a second home to my one-time boss, ad genius Leo Burnett.

Post college I toiled for Leo for a decade. Intense meetings often rolled down the street after 6pm and continued at the ‘Codder’ and usually ended as the doors closed at midnight.

In 1974 I accepted a position as Director of Marketing for Ralston Purina, a Burnett client, with blessings from Leo.

I moved to St. Louis but found myself back for two days every other week. I always stayed at the Drake and was considered family in the Cape Cod Room.

While in Chicago on June 24, 1984 my life changed forever.

I had an early dinner alone and remember going to the bar for a nightcap before retiring to my room. My recollections are vague from that point on. I often have to catch myself from adding details to my storyline that I can’t quite separate from a dream. The one certainty is that I was found in my darkened hotel room barely clinging to life. I was in excruciating pain and had been bound with duct tape. I desperately didn’t want to die. I had been perspiring profusely and in a pool of blood. Somehow I managed to slip one sweaty hand free to slide my blinking telephone to the ground, dislodging its receiver. Did I plead for help or pass out? I don’t know.

Five days later I awoke in the intensive care unit of Northwestern University Hospital (ironically my alma mater) and was greeted by frightened stares from my wife, my twelve year old son, doctors, nurses and a pair of uniformed police officers. Claustrophobia enveloped me. In addition to people there were noises, wires, monitors and tubes extending from a half-dozen bags of fluid and into my body.

I said nothing. My wife and and son, in tears, drew close telling me they loved me and that I was going to pull through. All I recall was thinking — this is what it’s like to be shot. I was wrong.

“Mr. Carlisle, try not to move and keep as silent as possible,” a doctor said to me. “You were kidnapped by a ruthless gang who drugged you with chloroform and harvested your left kidney.”

I didn’t want to lift a finger. I wanted pain medication. I wanted to sleep. I remained at Northwestern for another two months with my emotional state shifting between unstoppable tears and an overjoyed reality that I was still alive. Every day I would look into a mirror and see my bloated face slowly begin to return to normal bit by bit. My physical therapy provided a constant source of progress and pride. I took four hours of a pounding workout seven days a week. Even with daily sessions of work with brilliant psychologists, my mental state has never returned to anything close to normal. I’m terrified of hotels and now, paranoid, carry a fully loaded 38 Special with me at all times, even by my bedside.

In 1984 there were few cameras in hotel lobbies, restaurants, elevators or hallways. Protecting my remaining kidney forced me to give up alcohol and live on a boring macrobiotic diet. Long ago I settled my lawsuit with the owners of The Drake with a nondisclosure agreement so money will never be an issue. It still doesn’t make me close to whole.

Funny thing…the Chicago Police Department, which was getting nowhere with the case, had a breakthrough. In 2007 DNA evidence led them to the the leader of the gang. His name was Leslie Schorr and he had died in Chico State Prison, killed by inmates. There were no tears from me.

Funny thing – my gallows humor has me wondering who has my kidney. I’d like to meet that man or woman and get his or her side of the story.

After a lifetime in broadcasting sales and production, I found a love of writing at the IRP thanks to the support of my coordinators and classmates.

 

 

8.28.63

by Tom Ashley

“What are you doing?” inquired Edward “Ted” Lewis, the crusty and revered columnist and chief of the Washington Bureau of the New York Daily News. “I’m researching stories for McGowan and Van Den Heuvel,” I said as I plowed through a pile of AP and UPI clippings stacked on my desk. It was one of my duties as the go-fer for the then two million daily readers of New York’s ‘Hometown Newspaper.’

Lewis looked at me and barked, “You’re coming with me to hear Dr. King speak.” We made our way on foot to the Lincoln Memorial from the National Press Building. My eyes widened. Standing in the sweltering 90 degree heat, I saw massive poverty on a level I’d never witnessed before. Eschewing our press passes, we stood among the throng. As speaker after speaker cried out for justice. I saw an old man in patched overalls and a beat up straw hat, barefoot – standing but a foot away. It shocked me as I witnessed hundreds more in tattered clothing standing and cheering.

In my hometown of Detroit in 1963 there was zero unemployment, and I thought that my hometown represented a happy lifestyle for all. I’d worked alongside many apparently satisfied blacks in my father’s commercial laundry business. Blacks were always welcomed in our home at Christmas and 4th of July parties. I’d failed to recognize the absence of blacks in my neighborhood, my school – my whole environ.

As Dr. King referenced the hundredth anniversary of The Emancipation Proclamation in his “I Have a Dream” speech, I glanced over at Ted Lewis, the embodiment of the tough-as-nails, hard- nosed-right –down-to-the Lucky-Strike- dangling-from-his-lips reporter, weeping.

Shaken, we walked back to our office in silence. We’ve all heard King’s indelible words repeated many times since that day, but all I see in my mind’s eye is that poor, poor man, having made his way to our nation’s Capitol, standing in his bare feet, seeking justice.


After a lifetime in broadcasting sales and production, I found a love of writing at the IRP thanks to the support of my coordinators and classmates.

 

Southern Fried College Football

by Tom Ashley

Alabama’s highest paid employee headed to
billionaire status who happens to be making
considerably, by a factor of 24, more
damn dough, is the football coach not the governor,
expected to win a national championship ‘cuz
failure is not an option in Tuscaloosa where
gridiron greatness is demanded and to
hell with any talk of classroom participation
injurious to the mighty ‘Crimson Tide’ boys
kicking the stuffing and giving a good ‘ole
lickin’ to some other knuckleheaded young
men all soon to be dispatched to a completely
nothing job with a concussion or four plus
operations on both knees and a shoulder not
properly thinking about a future or
questioning what they accomplished while a
resident for four years of sweat blood and
simply a handful of credits and injuries
taking them from job to job no relief in sight
unless they hit the Alabama state lottery and
very few people have had such good fortune
winning these but go right ahead putting
xs down on those lotto cards all the while
you’re going through want ads from a to
z and coming up with nothing.

 

Taking many study groups over the years at the IRP has been a growing and stimulating process.  In college, I dreaded my writing courses.  I LOVE them now.

Learning My A, B, Cs

by Tom Ashley

As I was saying to the nasty
Bad girl in the third row on the left
Curling her long golden locks and
Disturbing all the excitable young men
Enough is enough don’t you think you tart
For christ’s sake I’m trying, god knows, to teach
Goddamn poetry to you hopeless and shallow
Hedonistic moronic ‘students’ of
Idiotic, impossibly dull imagination combing a
Jaded outlook debating which flavor
Krispy Kreme donut you’ll avail yourself then
Lovingly slam down your throat while swallowing
Mouthing to the server that absolutely RIEN
Nothing NIENTE is going to prevent yet another
Order of those crullers accompanied by a
Pumpkin latte with whipped cream and in
Quest of the perfect meal please add the
Rib sandwich and additional
Sweet thick maple sauce and those super
Toffee coated twice baked potatoes
Unless maybe you should get two in case you’re
Very hungry and not able to get close or
Within another Krispy Kreme like one near
Xerox’s headquarters on the corner of
Yerba Linda and Ashley, next to House of
Zen

 

 

Taking many study groups over the years at the IRP has been a growing and stimulating process.  In college, I dreaded my writing courses.  I LOVE them now.

University – 2 -1697

by Tom Ashley

The gaps in the day are gone
no time to write in cursive
caught up in the endlessness
dance classes, soccer, car pools
spinning, Groupons
Google, Wiki, more
tweets, call waiting
“Call you back, can’t talk now…”

Please give me back
my busy signal, my dial tone
Nonnie’s party line
and University – 2 – 1697
my glorious mother died this summer
born three years before women could vote –
what am I supposed to do now –
post it on Facebook?

Taking many study groups over the years at the IRP has been a growing and stimulating process.  In college, I dreaded my writing courses.  I LOVE them now.

Aunt Marge’s Fifteen Minutes

by Tom Ashley

Music often played in the background at Aunt Marge’s beautiful home on the shores of the Saginaw River.  She was dressed for  a party by 7 a.m. and went  through three or four clothing changes by the end of the day. Whether you knew Aunt Marge for fifteen minutes or as a regular visitor such as myself, you would discover that she was a former “Miss Saginaw,” homecoming queen and a majorette of the University of Michigan Wolverines. With an avid devotion to the media arts, she served the Michigan television community as the host of “Marge’s Forecast,” a quasi weather person cum fortuneteller. “Oh, I had many offers to go to New York , but my love for your Uncle Billy couldn’t allow me to even consider that,” she’d often tell me.

The house was called “The Birthday Cake” because of its striking turrets, latticed porches, elaborate flower boxes and a dozen gas lamps bathing the three story mansion in a perpetual glow each night.  Elegant fifty foot-silver birches encased it.

Saginaw, Michigan, is one of those cities that dropped off the radar fifty years ago. For the prior century, Saginaw was the furniture capitol of the country.  At the turn of the twentieth century, huge factories were built to supply parts to the “Big Three” – General Motors, Ford and Chrysler — and vast fortunes were made..

Aunt Marge’s husband, my Uncle Billy Davis, had been  successful in highway construction and had bought “The Birthday Cake” for a song in the early 1960s when that style of house, along with Saginaw itself, was distinctly out of fashion. The home had been in a bit of disrepair upon purchase, and Uncle Billy’s fatal heart attack less than a year later did not bode well for its future. With four children under eighteen, Marge’s inheritance quickly dissipated, and repairing the place to its original glory never occurred. As the grown children departed, we thought Aunt Marge would sell the grand pile which I swear was beginning to tilt, but Aunt Marge was determined to stay. She had the house converted into three separate flats in order to make do. She retained the grand parlor floor and operated as a landlady-psychologist-traffic controller of this new venture. The top floor was occupied by a young couple with a preschool child. They were great tenants, infusing an energy, which had left when her last son headed off to college.

The middle floor was occupied by a bachelor, Carlton Smythe. He was a talented musician who could play the clarinet, guitar or piano for hours on end. He was strikingly handsome, albeit reserved. I had visited Aunt Marge many times and thrilled to hear the music coming from his flat, but had yet to meet Carlton. Then, perhaps three years later, he appeared at one of Aunt Marge’s intimate dinner parties. He was resplendent in a J. Press blazer, Hermes tie and a crested gold signet ring. For more than two hours he sat opposite me and although talking his fair share, I had never learned so little about an individual. He said he was raised in Portland, Oregon and made his living from music publishing and occasionally performing with society bands. He preferred a conversation he could pick about some obscure locale and go into an esoteric  commentary. – “Have you ever been to Helsinki in the fall when the Veeteen Festival’s in full swing and global decision makers are in town?”  I had no idea what he was talking about. In retrospect, why would you choose down and out Saginaw to live in, you…you strange man of the world?     Later, it seemed odd one afternoon when I went to fetch Aunt Marge’s mail for her that there were a half dozen newspapers for Carlton from Palm Beach to San Francisco. There were magazines such as Town and Country and Tattler, yet quizzing Aunt Marge got me nowhere. She explained that Carlton disappeared for long weekends, going ‘somewhere.’ ”Somewhere?”

Time passed and we all moved on. I was living in Los Angeles when I received the call. It was my Mom. “Are you sitting down? Watch Walter Cronkite! They’re doing a big story on Carlton Smythe, who’s no ‘Carlton Smythe’! His real name is Roger Caruso, and he’s a jewel thief who’s been operating for two decades, preying off debutante balls and other charity galas! The FBI had known about him but never had a positive resolution of who or where he was.”   Mom went on and on.  I turned on the TV and saw Carlton ahh – Roger –being led down Aunt Marge’s front steps in hand cuffs with his head hung low and no longer looking elegant and self-assured.

Next followed a young Leslie Stahl interviewing Aunt Marge, reminiscent of Gloria Swanson ready for her close-up and rambling on about how sweet ‘Carlton’ always was, but she had “always suspected something.” Really?

The old birthday cake revealed many secrets.  Jewelry was found hidden under the  floorboards. Cash, precious metals and stones were buried in the back garden. He had always played in some small society bands and more often than not, when discovering where big and important parties and weddings were being held, he would dress in a tuxedo like all the other penguins. That’s where he did most of his handiwork. Upon easy entrance, he cased the locale, noting the bejeweled women, their state of inebriation and the resting places for their handbags. More importantly, if the event was in a private residence, he’d wander around to spot rooms that weren’t in use but housed precious objets d’art. His musical cases were all fitted out with false bottoms to cart the ill-gotten gains off the premises. In those pre-security camera days, Carlton, when not playing music, could easily fit into a crowd of “gentlemen” wearing tuxedos, three-piece suits or resort-garb.

Carlton/Roger had a wife and two daughters living in San Diego, whom he had deserted 17 years earlier.  Surprisingly, he had sent money orders to them from all over the country.

Carlton readily confessed to his indiscretions, pleading his way down to an eight-year prison sentence, combined with the commitment to serve the government as a crime consultant upon release. Oh…and Aunt Marge, you ask? She certainly became an overnight celebrity. Her fifteen minutes of fame actually lasted for several months as the parade of news gatherers from around the globe poured in to put their own twists to this bizarre story. She spruced up his flat and charged $500 a night with a two-day minimum for the thrill of sleeping there.

The interviews she gave were hilarious and highly anticipated affairs. We never knew which Aunt Marge would show up: would it be the homecoming queen, the groundbreaking TV journalist or another complete surprise? But in one area where there was no wavering was her “high suspicion of Carlton.” “High suspicion”! For fifteen years?

I went to Aunt Marge’s funeral twenty years ago. Her wishes had specifically been that most of the photos on display be  of her interviews with Harry Reasoner, John Chancellor, Hugh Downs, Johnny Carson, Dick Cavett, … the list goes on. Of course there were photos of herself and Carlton/Roger in  her rogues gallery.  Eccentricity, highly valued by my family, was a hallmark of Aunt Marge, and although there was no need to enhance her notoriety, she thought these photos  would help her go out on a grand stage, with the Birthday Cake as backdrop.

Taking many study groups over the years at the IRP has been a growing and stimulating process.  In college, I dreaded my writing courses.  I LOVE them now.